I’ve often heard the longest journey being described as that between head and heart. That was certainly true in my life. I think you will find encouragement in reading Edward‘s account of reaching a low point in his life, and God changing him through prayer and contemplation.
About 12 years ago my life went pear-shaped. Over a period of four years, I found myself divorced, unemployed and diagnosed with cancer. I was devastated. My Bible study group leader told me that I was a broken man. Throughout this time I did not lose my faith and still went to church and attended Bible studies. But he was right, in my late 50’s, I was a broken man.
I became a Christian in my teens. I had studied theology at college and had a good knowledge of the Bible. I had always been in good health and had had a good deal of success in my career. I was happily married, lived in a desirable part of the country, and had two lovely sons. I had a comfortable life. But like Job, I suddenly found myself in pain and suffering.
Eventually, I started a moderately successful business and following treatment, my cancer went into remission. As the months went by, I thought about why I had become a broken man. Of course there was all the bad stuff I had experienced, but slowly I realised that my faith was all in my head and not in my heart. I had spent my life reading the Bible, going to Bible studies, and talking to Christian friends but I had never really given much time to talking and listening to Jesus in silence, prayer and contemplation. I reflected on Jesus knocking on the door of my heart and realised that I had never stopped and listened to what he was saying to me, other than what he was saying to everyone else. I knew the Bible but I did not know.
At this time I joined an online Christian dating site and saw someone who would later become my wife. It started when I saw her photograph and read her profile. I liked what I saw. At that point we were only able to know facts about each other such as, our age range, our jobs, and the colour of our hair. We got to know about each other. What we knew was only in our heads, not in our hearts. As we started to write to each other and later we met each other, we got to know each other much better. It was by meeting each other that we began to develop a much deeper relationship than merely reading her dating profile could offer.
I believe my experience of getting to know my wife is much like getting to know Jesus. Being with Jesus in contemplation and silence, listening and talking to Jesus by reading and praying over the Bible, and going to special places to enjoy God’s presence are key ways to develop our relationship with God.
I recently spent time contemplating and praying about Mary visiting Elizabeth and John the Baptist leaping with joy in his mother’s womb when Mary visited. In contemplation, I thought about what it was like for me to be in my mother’s womb. I am sure my mother felt joy but I also think she would have been afraid. My mother was an anxious person. As I grew up my mother slowly developed mental-health issues and had a number of in-patient psychiatric admissions. I found these times difficult and often did not treat her as I should have done. I was angry at my mother and some of things she had done to me. I did not realise at the time, that it was because of her poor mental health. Even in my late sixties I still felt a tremendous amount of guilt. But by becoming still, imagining myself in my mother’s womb, listening and praying to God I started to sense a forgiveness towards my mother and a feeling that I was free from guilt. God has not finished with me yet.
Edward Hartley is a retired nurse and lives in Scotland. With his wife, he attends a lively evangelical episcopal church. He enjoys exploring Scotland and spends much time dog walking. He is interested in Ignatian spirituality and receives spiritual direction.
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