“Now or Never: Desperately Depending on God in Prayer” by Ruth Clemence: 7 Ways to Pray blog series

How can we turn to God when we face challenges of many kinds? Ruth writes powerfully out of the depth of painful experiences through which she clung onto God, perhaps sometimes by her fingertips. I’m so grateful for how she’s shared and trust you’ll benefit from her grace-filled words.

Prayer is serious business with God. The cancer I had 10 years ago made a comeback at the end of 2020. It had already been an immensely challenging year, with Covid-19, the birth of my second child, and the death of a close family member.  Prayer became deadly serious to me – as in, ‘Lord, I don’t want to die’. Those life or death, now or never moments cause us to cry out to God from the depths of our heart. Prayer in this season of life has been…

…desperate. In rushed and hushed breaths, alone and frightened, I groaned to God out loud and silently. In moments of intense pain, I went from not wanting to die to understanding how so much pain could make you not want to live.

…dangerous. A prayer I prayed before the diagnosis was ‘I want to know the Father’s heart’. That was a dangerous prayer. Suffering was not the chrysalis of change I would have chosen to cocoon myself in. I wanted to become the butterfly without the struggle. That is one of the many reasons of suffering; it often brings forth beauty and growth in our walk with God that we would never bring about on our own. To know God’s heart is to know suffering.

…deep. I don’t mean lengthy and profound, although prayers may look like that at times. By deep, I mean searching the depths of the heart. Do we really believe and trust God in all circumstances? Suffering chisels away the parts in our life that we think we have control over. Although suffering leaves its painful marks, we can know God is shaping us into his likeness with his own nail-scarred hands.

…dependent. I prayed many times for God to meet me in a tangible way – ‘now or never Lord’. At times, I have looked in amazement and, regretfully, envy, as others share of how God has met them in a powerful encounter. From my hospital bed, with high dose chemotherapy pumping around my body, I longingly craved God’s palpable touch saying, ‘if not now, then when?’ Although I experienced mercy upon mercy daily, I still wanted what felt like the bigger miracle. God did not answer me the way I wanted him to in that moment.

Two months later, I was in another hospital bed sharing a room with a kind older lady who was experiencing her own cancer relapse. I felt a strong desire to share the love of God with her. She was on the phone to her friend for over an hour. I knew I had to say something to her. It was now or never. Did she know Jesus in her time of need and the comfort he gives? I prayed, ‘Lord, if you want me to speak to this lady, you are going to have to provide the bridge.’ I was asking God for a window of opportunity to share the gospel.

After her phone call she said, ‘That was my friend. I forgot that she goes to church on Sundays.’ There was the bridge and an immediate answer to prayer. We spoke about God together, although it felt as if I stumbled through the gospel. God showed up powerfully to me through a dependent cry to him for this dear lady. In every moment, big or small, we need to depend on Jesus. Maybe the greatest miracle in prayer, besides the astounding reality that we can come before God with everything, is how he knows what we need in the time that we need it.

Ruth Clemence is a follower of Jesus, a wife to Joel, mother to two young children, a writer and a blogger. She loves to write about the hope of the gospel in the ups and downs of daily life. Through experiencing cancer as a 19-year-old and relapsing 10 years later, she has a heart to share the hope of Jesus with others who may be going through a time that seems hopeless.

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