Amy Boucher Pye

Tag: forgiveness

  • Forgiveness Fridays: Facing Fears after Forgiveness by Lucy Marfleet

    Although we may have forgiven someone who hurt us, we might yet still harbour fears that they, or someone else, may hurt us again in a similar way. Those fears might rule our hearts. Lucy Marfleet shows how she was freed of these types of binding fears. Please read her encouraging story.

    I don’t remember much about learning the piano. I do remember the fear though. It accompanied every lesson, starting in my stomach as I was driven every Saturday morning and reinforced in every scale and arpeggio I had to practise through the week. It played out in my nervous and incapable fingers and it cast shadows through my young mind.

    I hated learning the piano, I remember that much. I was only at primary school, but had been raced through several grades with no option of stopping lessons.

    I don’t think it was the piano itself though.

    It was my piano teacher. He made me desperately uncomfortable. I wanted to please him, but I felt watched, judged, small and incompetent. He came up and sat close to play duets or show me what I was doing wrong, sometimes reaching his arm around me. He drew glasses on my music, ostensibly to draw my attention to places I needed to work at. I saw in the small pencil doodles his eyes watching me, even when I was at home. I didn’t want to look at them.

    When he died a few years after I finally stopped lessons, my mum commented that as a child I had said I loved him. I had forgotten that. Sometimes children say that sort of thing about their teachers. But there had been such mixed feelings about him. I couldn’t understand at eight or nine why I was scared; I felt sharp and flat all at once when I was around him – eager to get his praise, terrified of his presence, his nearness, his criticism.

    And there was a sad edge to the experience. He had died by suicide, with the reason being because the police had found unhealthy pictures of children on his computer. Was he overstepping the mark with me? Hardly – I cannot recollect anything sinister he did or said. But he exerted power over me in ways which terrified me. These days you might bracket it as grooming.

    I was terrified of men for some years after the experience, finding ways to avoid being alone with them, dressing unattractively, wanting to prove myself in my own right. The fears didn’t stop there either. I feared elements associated with the lessons, with the piano teacher, with music and particularly with physical contact. I made mental and emotional blocks and guarded myself against anything which reminded me of failing.

    God didn’t want to leave me there.

    Slowly over the following years, each area of fear was challenged as my trust grew. It started with forgiveness.

    I had to learn my need for forgiveness. That forgiving in practice is so much more hard work than the theory. That there is no quick fix. Forgiveness meant letting go of the grips of fear, even the fears I was gripping on to. God gently and slowly led me through each fear and helped me overcome them.

    I was scared of failure. It took two years of my life working and studying in the world of engineering, culminating in an incredibly bad set of results at university, to show me that I was not cut out for it. I had to retake my exams in order to change subject. I got down to intensive study, passed each module and transferred to a subject which I love: theology. The failure was a step towards a more positive future. Later I failed to get funding to do my masters in biblical studies in a good UK university. This failure too was met by an unexpected opportunity to study in Prague instead. Studying at the International Baptist Theological Seminary has opened up other exciting doors through contacts I’ve made there. I have learned to embrace failure rather than fear it.

    I was scared of men. This was a big fear; perhaps the major one for me. In my mid-twenties I had never had a boyfriend and assumed I never would. Who could I trust? How could I touch them? I shunned physical contact. I opened up to my minister, who prayed with me. Less than a month later, God spoke to me as I sat at a table with a group of other Christians that I was about to meet my husband. It was true; I did. He was even an engineer. Those two years getting inside the mindset of engineers turned out to be worthwhile after all. God brought me a gentle man who was willing to learn to love me well. It took me months to be willing to let him kiss me, but we both realised that God’s timing made perfect sense.

    Telling images – on the left, me in 1996, trying to smile, but trying to hide my body shape. On the right, me in 2011, two kids later and frightened no more!

    I hated music. Despite playing in music groups in churches, I very rarely connected emotionally with it. But God loves music; I’m sure of it. Gradually over time I was able to dissociate myself from feelings of anger or apathy and learn to enjoy it, to even seek it out and learn new things. There are ways music can be used to express things words can’t say alone.

    I hated feeling small, voiceless, insignificant. God’s underlying grace has carried me through so many storms, including many days of deep depression as I yearned for wholeness and significance. When I was weak God strengthened me and gave me purposes in helping others at home and abroad, and moved me from self-damaging thoughts to being able to champion the needs of the voiceless. He has much still to do with me. I am still very much a Work in Progress.

    But my story is that forgiveness has opened up a road to healing and wholeness. This journey God has been taking me on gets better as I understand more of his mercies in action. I have shifted from a minor to a major key emotionally. Now I understand that God is Good, and that Good Things are Going to Happen.

    Lucy writes at www.lucymarfleet.com and www.jamandgiraffes.com. She has degrees in theology from Durham University and the International Baptist Theological Seminary. She is also a trained teacher and has worked in schools and prisons. Her writing stems from a passion for the Old Testament and for those on the edges. Recently she completed a series on interviewing biblical characters for Families First online magazine. She tries to tell the truth in imaginative ways.

  • Forgiveness Fridays: Forgiveness is Freeing by Lynne Cole

    When it comes to forgiveness, everyone is different. I love Lynne’s story for her honesty and how she tells the gradual nature of her becoming free from carrying someone else’s sins, as she puts it so aptly. I continue to be humbled and grateful for the bravery displayed by the contributors to this series, such as Lynne.

    There I was, standing in a spot where his grave might have been, and I’m griping tightly onto an A4 piece of paper. A piece of paper that held the truth of what actually happened to me during four years when I grew up too quickly.

    Looking around, all I see is green grass with very few markings of where graves could be. I expected to see at least a head stone with his name etched into it… something that would make it real. But there was nothing. Only little numbered markers dotted around declaring where each person is buried. With there being no grave stone or a recognisable grave, I concluded that he had no meaning to his life.

    Standing there, I remember clearly when my mother told me, 21 years earlier, that he had passed away. It was four months after he was arrested. He hadn’t even reached the first hearing of his trial.

    My memories of that day are vivid. I was so angry that he had “escaped” his prison sentence, and I felt betrayed because he was now “free”. I also remember feeling relieved. He was dead… and I was glad. I hoped that he had met God at the pearly gates of heaven and that he was sent straight to rot in hell.

    I know, I know and I know. This sounds very unchristian. I am fully aware of that. However, this was how I felt towards the man who had sexually abused me for four years. After all, he took away my childhood.

    I wanted him to suffer so much for the pain and hurt that he caused me. I wanted him to feel the pain that I felt…Not just in those four years, but the years afterwards that I had to endure I as tried to come to terms with what I went through.

    When I stood at the graveside with my mum on one side and my husband on the other, I held on to that piece of paper as though it was part of me. This piece of paper held all the truth of every single detail that he did to me.

    Every. Single. Detail.

    You see, when I was 11 I was too scared and too ashamed to voice what truly happened to me. No-one EVER got the full truth, and that truth had been inside me for 21 years. At the graveside, I finally let it all out… And then I burnt it. In that moment, the spirit of condemnation left my body and I was free.

    Four years later, I look back and I question myself if I have still forgiven my abuser – just in case my time at the grave was a passing moment. The honest answer is yes! I wouldn’t wish what I went through on anyone, but I wouldn’t change what I went through either. I no longer feel shame over what I had endured and I can honestly say, with my hand on my heart, that I have no regrets about my past.

    I am proud of who I am today.

    Forgiving my abuser did not mean what he did to me was right. It also does not mean that I would get my childhood back. Instead, forgiving him meant that I could move forward with my life. I have learnt that unforgiveness keeps us locked in to anger, resentment, bitterness and hurt. It keeps us apart from Jesus.

    I didn’t get to the point of forgiveness lightly and reaching it wasn’t one of these “aha” moments when something clicked into place. Rather it took me 21 years that lead to the moment at his grave, of sorting through a mountain of emotional mess, through counselling and reading various books, to reach the point where I wanted to be free from the chains of unforgiveness. I no longer wanted to carry the burden of someone else’s sin.

    Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you. (Ephesians 4:32)

    I believe that forgiveness is necessary in order to move forward, but it can only be done when you are ready to do so. No-one should be forced to forgive someone else if they are not ready. It doesn’t matter how long it takes either… 2 years or 21 years… but when it happens? Forgiveness is freeing.

    Lynne Cole is a full-time working, married mother to 3 gorgeous children…two girls (aged 8 and 7) and a little man (aged 5). She blogs in the free time that she has, which is very little! She believes that a broken past does not mean a broken future and that we are all beautiful despite what we have been through. Her desire is that she is able to give people a little encouragement and hope through what she writes. She writes from the heart, honestly, about anything… things that have happened in the past, what she is going through right now and what she hopes for the future.

    Come visit her at:
    Blog: www.beautifullybroke.org
    Facebook page: https://www.facebook.com/beautifullybroke.org/
    Instagram: lynne.cole

     

     

  • Forgiveness Fridays: The Sacrifice and Rewards of Forgiveness by Maureen Chapman

    Childhood wounds can be devastating, as we see in Maureen Chapman’s story. But we don’t have to be defined by them, as she shows.

    I have spent most of my 7 decades of life learning about forgiveness. I was born on the morning of the first day of World War 2 in North London, England. My mother, who was pregnant with me and had to get married to my father, was terrified and angry. She wanted to have me adopted but changed her mind.

    When, at the late age of 37, I was pregnant for the first time, I broke a long silence, maintained by her, to inform her by phone that she was to become a grandmother. She was cold, told me I was too old and that anyway, lots of women had babies every day, so what? A few weeks later I miscarried.

    Photo: Ross Griff, flickr

    I hated her. I am a Christian, and knew the Lord’s Prayer about forgiving and receiving forgiveness from God, but I was bitter, angry and hated her. It didn’t take me too long to discover that my relationships were being soured by these negative reactions.

    Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love. (Colossians 3 v13)

    I knew I had to forgive, but I did not want to be exposed to any more malice. Reluctantly, I handed my hate and unforgiving attitude to God.

    Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger…… Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other just as in Christ, God forgave us. (Ephesians 4 v 31)

    There is always a price to pay for forgiveness. Jesus paid the price for us on the cross.

    The relationship with my mother never improved, but I learnt to understand something of her nature. Her own mother died when she was 9 months old. Her father had been gassed in World War 1, suffering poor health and widowed with eight young children to care for. She was brought up by her eldest sister and a succession of housekeepers.

    Having never received love, she was neither able to give love nor receive it. Moreover, after my birth she had suffered a severe postnatal depression, complicated by shingles. She struggled to care for a young baby, not least through the London Blitz and the later bombing raids. She had no emotional support from anyone except my father. He was very deaf, not accepted by any of the armed forces, so worked in a bomb factory by day, and fire watching in the City of London by night.

    My own bitterness and unforgiving attitude had blinded me to her needs. I was demanding love when she had none to give. In turn, she tried to make me her scapegoat to atone for her sins.

    God found a way to forgive us all by sacrificing His own son Jesus to take away our sins. He took this enormous step because He loves us.

    This is how God showed His love among us: He sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through him. This is love: not that we loved God, but that He loved us and sent His Son as an atoning sacrifice. (1 John 4 v 9)

    We obey Him by extending that loving forgiveness to those who hurt us. The rewards are joy and peace. We live in harmony.

    When I visited my mother just before her death, although she refused to speak to me, except for three short sentences, I was able to pray that God would show her mercy, for He had made her and knew her better I did.

    Since my mother’s death, my husband and I are at last reunited with members of my family. It’s not been easy, unravelling the many lies, misconceptions and misunderstandings that divided us. It is happening and brings joy to all.

    Forgiveness is the very heart of the gospel and love the very heart of God.

    Maureen Chapman, born into a deaf family, is a retired nurse/midwife, missionary to Nepal, hotelier and mini-market owner. She is owned by a bossy Border collie called Honey and loves gardening, walking, meeting people as well as writing, especially for children. She is learning to blog at maureenmusing.wordpress.com

  • Forgiveness Fridays: If we had just one day… by Debbie Duncan

    Debbie Duncan asks some searching questions, all brought to her mind when her daughter spotted a dragonfly over the water. What would you do if you had just one day to live?

    Recently on one of our recent hot, summery days we decided to escape the heat of the house and head to a place by water.[1] As we walked by the river we stopped and saw a colourful shimmering dragonfly. My daughter said, “Adult dragonflies only live one day. What would you do if you just had one day”?

    Her question got me thinking. What would you do if you had just one day? Most of us would you want to tell our nearest and dearest that we love them. What else would you do? I think we would want to know we are forgiven and we’d want to forgive others.

    The famous French sceptic and key thinker of the enlightenment age, Francois-Marie Arouet (aka Voltaire) was a deist. He did not believe in the Bible or that we have a God who intervened in the world. In contrast, his view of God was one of a distant figure.

    Voltaire died a terrible death. His nurse is said to have said of him: “For all the money in Europe I wouldn’t want to see another unbeliever die! All night long he cried for forgiveness.”

    Thankfully I know the forgiveness that God can bring. I asked Jesus to be at the centre of my life quite a few years ago now – 34 years recently! I know however that I am not as loving and forgiving as I should be. When Peter asked Jesus how many times should he forgive his brother or sister Jesus answered, “seventy times seven” (Matthew 6:21-35). Perhaps he was reminding the Jewish people of the 490 years they spent in captivity, in slavery. We are reminded that even during the most difficult of times we need to forgive. He wasn’t tell us to forgive 490 times but reminding us there is no end to forgiveness after all; He gave His life so we can know God’s forgiveness. It is really a challenge to forgive and not allow bitterness take hold.

    Edith Louisa Cavell was a Christian and a nurse who is celebrated for saving the lives of soldiers on both sides during the First World War. She is also known for helping 200 soldiers escape German-occupied Belgian. She was arrested for helping soldiers escape and charged with treason and sentenced to death. Despite international pressure she was brought before a German firing squad in 1915 as a spy. Her last words are said to be, “Patriotism is not enough. I must have no hatred or bitterness towards anyone.” Her Christian beliefs led her to help those who needed it – German or British and even her firing squad.

    I don’t want you to think I have a fascination with death! The challenge is to live each day as if it is your last, living as Jesus would live. Loving and forgiving others – even facing a firing squad or a painful death, even forgiving the thief beside you on a cross.

    Debbie Duncan is a senior lecturer in nursing, a church leader and minister’s wife. She is married to Malcolm and is mother to their four grown-up children. She is author of over 40 professional articles, is writing her second textbook and is co-author to Life Lines with Cathy Le Feuvre. Her first solo book The art of daily resilience was published by Lion Monarch in February and she is currently writing her next book. Connect with her at twitter: @dduncan42; her website: debbielduncan.wordpress.com and via email: debbielduncan@yahoo.co.uk.

    [1] We ended up walking along the Thames river at Runnymede which is a beautiful and historical site where the Magna Carta was sealed in 1215.

  • Forgiveness Fridays: Choosing Forgiveness

    What role can pride take in keeping us in a prison of unforgiveness? A friend who wished to remain unnamed shares vulnerably of how God encouraged her to escape this prison by choosing to forgive one close to her.

    When I was in my mid-teens, my dad left my mum for another woman. I was devastated for my mum and myself.

    The timing of my dad’s departure felt callous and calculating. He chose a time over the Christmas holidays when I was away at a friend’s house, and also after the recent death of my grandad (my mum’s dad) whom my mum was very close to, being an only child. I was angry with the lies my dad had told us about working late at work when really he was out with his girlfriend. As this happened when I was 14; this was already a time of huge emotional turmoil for me.

    Over the years, my anger towards my dad over these painful events has exploded with huge vitriol at times, but, over the past two decades or so, God has brought powerful forgiveness and healing to our relationship. After about 5 years after my dad left, I started to hear God challenge me about my hatred and negative attitude towards Dad’s girlfriend. In my pain I had refused to have any contact with her. I think God spoke to me through a sermon about Holy Communion and making peace with those we have fallen out with. God asked me to love this woman with His love and not allow the pain of past hurts to block any chance of relationship with her.

    I had to choose to lay down my angry and judgmental opinions of this lady I had avoided meeting and choose the more humble way. Being able to forgive her for stealing my dad from our family and causing us immense pain and loss started a new chapter in my relationship with her. I was being treated for depression at the time, which the professionals believed to be triggered partly by the separation of my parents.

    Choosing to forgive didn’t mean I was instantly healed, nor that my relationship with my dad was repaired miraculously right then. Somehow God enabled me to move through my place of pain and show grace to C* where I’d previously only known hatred and resentment. Maybe I didn’t realise it straight away, but I had started on the path to freedom from my dark past which was negatively impacting my health in the present. In 1 Corinthians 4:3-5, Paul makes the point that he’s not in a position to judge others or himself; only God is able to judge our actions and he also says that he is the greatest of all sinners (1 Timothy 1:15), despite being considered one of the world’s most influential leaders in history.

    The mistake I had made was to sit as judge over my dad and C’s choice to break off his marriage to my mum, despite the immense damage and upset my family and I had endured as a consequence. I let pride get in the way of humility until I was able to admit my own sins and allow God to forgive me for my pride, anger, bitterness and resentment towards Dad and his girlfriend. Rather than finding my identity in those negative feelings and hurts and letting the depression and pain define me, I had to surrender to God’s love and mercy for Dad and C, and in that be better able to receive God’s unconditional love, acceptance and new identity as His beloved.

    In choosing forgiveness I’ve had to be courageous enough to revisit my feelings and thoughts about my dad’s leaving has affected me; I’ve had to tell him of the impact of his actions and release these to God to at the foot of the cross, firmly believing that “He has removed our sins as far from us as the east is from the west” (Psalm 103:12, NLT). Rather than beating myself up further about my mistakes, which I make from time to time, I have to choose to trust that “there is no condemnation for those in Christ Jesus” (Romans 8:1, NIV) and remember that “He does not punish us for all our sins; He does not deal harshly with us, as we deserve. For His unfailing love toward those who fear him is as great as the height of the heavens above the earth” (Psalm 103:10-11).

    High cross at Ffald-y-Brenin, Pembrokeshire, Wales.
    Photo: the High Cross, Ffald-y-Brenin, Wales. Source: high-cross.jpg/Clickasnap

    I find comfort in this photo of the High Cross at Ffald-y-Brenin, for it’s a visual reminder to us all of what Jesus did for us at the cross, taking our sins and wounds on his shoulders, and casting them as far as possible away from us.

    Even as I write this blog, I am wrestling with these issues of forgiveness for others who have deeply hurt me. God continues to show me where my anger is getting in the way of forgiveness, healing and a deeper sense of His love for those who have grieved me and myself. Thankfully, God’s grace is a constant source of comfort, despite my personal weaknesses and I know I’ll work through it with God’s help.

    Is there someone in your life you need to forgive? Take a moment to quieten your heart before God and listen to what He says.

    *C Dad’s girlfriend, named to maintain her anonymity.

  • Forgiveness Fridays: When actions speak louder than words by Carol Bostock

    We might hear of some grand acts of forgiveness – parents forgiving their child’s murderer, for instance – and think that our small acts don’t measure up. But daily life seems to be filled with the small stuff. Can we extend forgiveness in the daily, and if so, how? I love Carol Bostock’s story for all of its rootedness in the ordinary – even to the level of the sticky, congealed chocolate.

    It was the day after my mother’s funeral. We had buried her in a woodland burial site after three traumatic months in intensive care following a failed liver transplant. It was very small group at the burial site and I had led the service.

    A number of family members were staying in my father’s house for another couple of days. Everyone was tired, emotionally worn out, stressed, not quite knowing what a future without my mother looked like – what it would mean for my father, what it would mean for us all.

    It was after lunch and my father had gone to lie down. We were all in that strange state of being in someone’s else’s home, not liking just to sit about talking and laughing as if it were ‘life as normal’ but looking for things to do that felt vaguely useful or helpful.

    I can truthfully say that I no longer remember the start of the argument, what was said by whom. But suddenly, another family member and I were having a row. Tempers flared very suddenly. Flash points were hit. Harsh and unkind words were said. We both stalked off, seething.

    I didn’t even have a place to go to and be mad. It was not my house and there were people, it seemed, in every room. Angry and frustrated I went into the garage. I kicked a box, very hard twice, replayed the row in my head over and over, thought of all the cutting, clever things I wished I had said. I was too full of anger and resentment to see how badly I had behaved.

    Then, sudden and unexpected, came that unmistakeable heavy presence of the Lord.

    “So now I suppose You want me to forgive him,” I said ungraciously and kicked the box again, even harder.

    Very, very clearly, He answered. “Actually, I want you to clean out his car,” He said.

    I stood for ten minutes or so in the dim garage, struggling. Then I went and got cloths, water, vacuum cleaner, cleaning products, polish, and a rubbish sack and set to. He owned a number of pets, all of which seemed to have shed hair and fur liberally over the car. A packet of chocolate somethings had melted into a gooey, congealed mess in one of the side pockets. The boot compartment was full of mud. It took me the best part of three hours to clean.

    I don’t think I ever formally said to the Lord, “I forgive him and please will you forgive me”; neither did I ever formally ask the family member to forgive me. But I know that on that Saturday afternoon I was forgiven by Jesus for my wrong heart attitude, and I think that at that time and in that place for my family member, actions spoke louder than any words could have done.

    ♥♥♥ 

    But when he was still a great way off, his father saw him and had compassion, and ran and fell on his neck and kissed him. Luke 15:20

    When the Prodigal went home to his Father’s house, he never got the chance to say all of his carefully preplanned apology because the Father ran, fell on his neck and kissed him. The Father just wanted to get to the hugging and the kissing…

    ♥♥♥

    Working full time at Beauty From Ashes, a Christian inner healing ministry, as a Prayer Minister, Conference Speaker and Retreat Leader, Carol Bostock is walking an unknown path since her husband of 38 years is in the last stages of cancer. Read more at Setting Up Signposts and receive updates at their Facebook page. You can also find out more about Beauty from Ashes, and contact Carol at carol@beautyfromashes.co.uk.

  • Forgiveness Fridays: The miracle of forgiveness

    Stories about forgiveness in the media draw my interest. I can’t help reading them, and finding encouragement in the ways people manage to forgive others. The stories that hit the news garner attention because they so often surprise us – how could someone forgive a murderer, for instance? Read on…

    I learned when writing The Living Cross: Exploring God’s Gift of Forgiveness and New Life that those offering forgiveness in extreme situations were often exercising a familiar muscle. They extended forgiveness in daily life over the seemingly small things we have to forgive daily – when a driver cuts us off in traffic, or when someone close to us betrays us, or when a family member puts their needs before ours. In forgiving someone who had done a great wrong to them, they were continuing to live in the manner in which they’d been accustomed. Many also cited a supernatural infusion of grace that they attributed to God.

    Below are two news stories of forgiveness for your encouragement. I pray you’ll never need to forgive on the scale that would attract this kind of attention. But we can take encouragement to forgive in the more mundane situations of life. And of course, to ask forgiveness when we do wrong – I sent out an email along those lines this very morning!

    Adam Miller was caught up in a shooting at a lawnmover plant in Kansas in February 2016. He was shot four times at close range, but amazingly, the bullets only hit soft flesh. He said, “I had an obvious hand of protection when it was going toward my chest. I don’t know how to describe it other than that.”

    When lying in his hospital bed, recovering, he thought about what had happened, and the perpetrator.

    “I can’t say that I immediately forgave him. Maybe it came a couple of days later,” he said. “There was no hatred toward him. There was sorrow, and he must have been in so much pain.

    “I just come to the conclusion that for all the things I’ve done in my life, God has forgiven me. So why can’t I forgive someone else?”

    You can read the full story here.

    Cliff and Wilma Derksen’s daughter was killed on a cold night in Winnipeg. Thirty-two years passed before the man accused of her murder would be brought to trial again – had they waited for justice to forgive, they would have lost years of their lives to waiting and perhaps the prison of bitterness.

    One night after their daughter had been missing for several months, a man came to visit them. He introduced himself, saying, “I’m the parent of a murdered child, too. I’ve come to tell you what to expect.”

    He shared with them all of the things he’d lost to his daughter’s murder – not only her but his relationships, work, and even his daughter’s memory. He told the Derksens, “It will destroy you.”

    They saw how a darkness could swallow them, taking away all that they loved and treasured. After the man left, “We kind of looked at each other and said, ‘We have to stop this,’” Cliff said. “We have to forgive.”

    They both made a decision that night to forgive, with Cliff saying, “I don’t believe the person who did this had loving parents or a circle of friends who thought the world of him or he wouldn’t have done a deed like this.” Wilma added, “I can’t say at this point I forgive the person But we have all done something dreadful in our lives or we have the urge to.”

    When people in the public heard what they said, many were angry. Some thought they didn’t care for their daughter, and others questioned what it meant to forgive.

    Cliff said, “We said we were going to forgive and we didn’t know how to talk about it, and we really didn’t know what it meant ourselves. Our big thing was just we were going to forgive whoever it was. We just were going to forgive. We didn’t know how or where or when this was going to happen, it was sort of a north star we put out there.”

    “There was an article three or four months later saying 80 per cent of Canadians didn’t agree with us and would be upset with us because forgiveness meant letting the murderer go free and condoning murder,” Wilma said 32 years later. “That wasn’t what this was about at all. It really was about escaping the aftermath of murder.”

    Read more at the extensive article here.

    Did these stories resonate with you? Could you extend forgiveness today?

  • Forgiveness Fridays: Forgiving as we are forgiven by Sharon Garlough Brown

    Forgiveness – what about those of us who see ourselves as “good”? We don’t have a gripping conversion story to share of how God saved us miraculously. Or do we? Join Sharon Garlough Brown, author of the amazing Sensible Shoes novels, to explore this question.

    “But the one to whom little is forgiven, loves little.” (Luke 7:47)

    Ten years ago those words leapt off the page and pierced my heart with surgical precision. I had read the text from Luke 7:38-50 many times over the years, but that day the text read me.

    Let’s remind ourselves of the scene. One day Simon the Pharisee, a religious leader with an upstanding, righteous reputation in the community, hosts a dinner party. The guests recline around a table, probably in an open courtyard, and Jesus is there at Simon’s invitation.

    While they’re eating, a woman enters the courtyard, a woman who is also well-known in the community. She’s a woman with a reputation, but not as an upstanding citizen. This woman is a “that kind of woman,” the kind of woman who doesn’t belong at respectable dinner parties hosted by respectable men.

    But this woman is determined. She’s heard that Jesus is at the party, and she’s on a mission. So she perseveres past the whispers and the sneers, past the judgmental and scathing looks, past the raised eyebrows, past the pointing and accusing fingers in order to come to Jesus.

    Peter Paul Rubens and Anthony van Dyck. A woman washes Christ’s feet in the house of Simon the Pharisee, circa 1615. Saint Petersburg, Hermitage Museum.

    And as Simon the host watches in disgust, his respectable dinner party deteriorates into a spectacle. This woman, probably a prostitute, kneels at Jesus’ feet, weeping, and shamelessly offers the tools of her trade—her perfume, her hair, her kisses—she offers them to Jesus in devotion and gratitude. And Jesus receives the offering! He does not scold her for unbinding her hair, which was forbidden for a woman to do in public. (Only loose women did such things.) He does not object to her wiping his feet with that hair. He lets her touch him, kiss him, and express the sort of intimacy that no doubt had some guests around the table flushing with embarrassment or anger. What she does is scandalous.

    Simon is deeply offended. In Simon’s mind, the whole incident calls into question Jesus’ reputation, too. “If this man really were a prophet,” Simon says to himself, “he would know who and what kind of woman this is who is touching him, that she is a sinner.”

    And that’s when Jesus speaks. “Simon,” he says. “I have something to say to you.”

    Jesus, a master storyteller, crafts a personal parable for Simon. Seeing right into Simon’s proud, judgmental, condemning, shriveled heart, Jesus offers a simple story about two debtors. One debtor owes an extravagant amount of money, the other owes a more reasonable sum. But neither one of the debtors is able to pay the debt. So the creditor, being a generous man, forgives both of them. Neither one has to pay what they owe.

    Jesus asks Simon, which debtor do you think will be more grateful? Which one will love the creditor more?

    With a shrug in his voice, Simon says, “I suppose the one who had the greater debt.”

    “You’re right,” Jesus says. And then he goes on to point out all of the ways Simon has failed to show any common courtesy to a house guest and contrasts that with all of the ways the unnamed woman has lavished her love and devotion upon him. Jesus sums it all up this way: the one who has been forgiven much, loves much. It’s not that Simon doesn’t need to be forgiven as much as the woman. It’s that Simon doesn’t recognize the depth of his need.

    That’s when the Spirit opened my eyes and broke my heart that day. What I saw was that I had more in common with Simon than with the woman. And I didn’t want to be like Simon. I wanted to be like the grateful, sinful woman. In fact, I had spent years envying conversion stories of so-called “sinners.”

    Photo: Suzanne Schroeter, flickr

    I had a pretty boring testimony, I thought. I’d been the “good girl” who had grown up in church, who never felt the rescue from sin was that big a deal because I didn’t think I had strayed very far to begin with. Sure, I knew I couldn’t pay the debt of my sin, but I still didn’t see my debt as very large, especially when compared to some other people’s debts.

    So I prayed, asking God to enlarge my heart with love and gratitude for Jesus. I just didn’t realize that the process of enlargement would include an ongoing revelation of the depths of my sin: my self-centeredness, self-righteousness, self-absorption, self-sufficiency, self-protection, my critical spirit, my desire for control (all were symptoms of pride, with self as center).

    I had no idea the process of enlarging my heart with love and gratitude for Jesus would include the ongoing revelation of all the ways I failed to love God with all of my heart, soul, mind, and strength. All the ways I failed to love others with his love.

    I had no idea the process of enlarging my heart with love and gratitude for Jesus would include a daily revelation of my sinful action, my inaction, and my impure motives even when the outward appearance of love looked pretty good to others. The Holy Spirit’s surgical work was painful and penetrating.

    Essentially, I was converted from seeing myself as a fairly decent person into seeing myself as a prostitute who had given herself over to false gods. I’d spent a lifetime worshiping at the altars of false gods—culturally acceptable and encouraged altars like pursuing reputation, honor, success, comfort, and achievement as ways to gain meaning, security, and significance in life.

    When Pharisees begin to see themselves as sinners, it is a gift. It’s a gift to see the enormity of a debt which absolutely cannot be paid apart from the lavish and extravagant grace of God.

    It’s a gift to see the depths of our sin, because then we see more clearly the breathtaking beauty and love of our Savior who poured out his life in a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God for us.

    It’s easy to see and name the outward manifestations of sin. It’s easy to identify behavior that is not Christ-like. But we need the Spirit’s help to perceive the inner disposition of sin. We need God’s penetrating light to shine in the dark places, to reveal the heart issues, the deeply rooted patterns of resisting conformity to Christ, like anger, envy, pride, lust, greed, craving honor and recognition, and so much more.

    And when we see it, when we see that sin is not behavior that can be modified but cancer that needs a radical remedy, by the grace of God, we might find ourselves falling at the feet of Jesus, weeping with gratitude, filled with love. Because that debt has been paid in full through the cross of Jesus Christ. Go in peace, Jesus says to sinners like me. Go in peace. Your sins have been forgiven. Your debt has been paid in full.

    The one who has been forgiven much, loves much.

    The ones who are aware of their need for forgiveness, their poverty of spirit, are the ones who will be enlarged to love God and to be kind and tenderhearted toward others, forgiving as we’ve been forgiven, with extravagant love, generosity, and compassion.

    Thanks be to God.

    Sharon Garlough Brown is an author, retreat speaker, and spiritual director. A graduate of Princeton Theological Seminary, Sharon has served on the pastoral staff of congregations in Scotland, Oklahoma, England, and most recently in West Michigan, where she co-pastored Redeemer Covenant Church with her husband, Jack, for many years. Her spiritual formation novels, Sensible Shoes, Two Steps Forward, and Barefoot, follow the journey of characters who are learning to rest in the love of God. Her fourth novel in the Sensible Shoes series, An Extra Mile, will be released by InterVarsity Press in February, 2018.

  • Forgiveness Fridays: When forgiveness might be easy to overlook by Amy Young

    What a thought-provoking post from Amy Young. When is a wrong not a wrong? What cultural trappings inform us as we answer that question? Just when do we need to forgive?

    China could be called the “Knock-Off Capital” of the world. Knock-offs aren’t just for handbags, though in the classroom they go by another name: plagiarism. What I might call cheating is often classified as helping or good writing. I used to see this issue in black and white, saying that either helping or good writing (aka copying) were clearly cheating. But the longer I was in China, the more I understood the line wasn’t as clear as I thought.

    Amy in China, next to vats of vinegar!

    In a society where relationships are incredibly important, if your friend asks for help and you refuse them, you have no idea what future door you have closed. Maybe that friend’s father’s sister’s husband could have helped you move your mom to Beijing. Maybe not. But without helping, that person is not indebted to you.

    In terms of copying being good writing, this used to be where I, as an American, would roll my eyes and say, “Whatever! A good writer is one who can use their own words.” But in China, a good writer is one who has read extensively and is able to incorporate others’ words into their own writing. Chinese writing is laden with proverbs and set phrases. Everyone knows that a good writer uses others’ words; it is not considered cheating, but a sign of being educated.

    Because I’ve grown in my understanding of both reasons, I am able to be a better teacher and explain that when writing in Chinese, using other people’s words is exactly what the students should do. But when writing in English, they need to operate under different cultural norms. My students are consistently surprised when I can tell they haven’t written something themselves and want to know how I know. Several years ago I had two students hand in the exact same paper on the topic of forgiveness. I couldn’t tell who had copied whom so I gave them both a zero.

    To make the point that copying wasn’t going to get by me and that I do read and remember what students write, I had a student stand at the front of the class and begin to read from one of the homework papers. As she was reading, I joined in reading the other paper. Of course, the class noticed they were . . . exactly the same. Point made. Since it was the first time plagiarism had occurred, I told the class the two students could rewrite their papers, but they had now all been warned and any future copying would receive a zero. The last laugh was on me because neither student copied off of the other; instead they both chose the same paper from the Internet to copy! Ha.

    Zeng Fei, who did an undergraduate degree in Russian, wrote the following letter to me in response.

    When I rewrite the article entitled “Forgiveness,” I can’t calm my heart. Because I clear-headed realized that my dishonest behavior has hurt not only my content but also your trust in every student. I’m very sorry for what I have done. Though I know my request for begging your forgiveness is maybe excessive, I want to ask, ”Can you forgive me?” Your answer for me is very important because it means that whether or not I can recover my self-confidence in my English studying.

    In the Oxford Advanced Learners Dictionary of English, the meaning of the word ”forgive” is “no longer has the wish to punish somebody for an offense, a sin; pardon or show mercy to somebody; no longer have hard feelings towards somebody.” Though it looks illogical, I want to explain the benefit of ”forgiveness” by this unpleasant accident as follows. Firstly, your forgiveness can help one student recover his confidence in life and future. It will raise your significance of teaching profession. As the Chinese parlance puts it “A teacher is an engineer of the human soul.” I hope that you can become a leader in my way of studying English. Secondly, unpleasant feeling and disappointment resulted from this accident maybe would harm your beautiful looks. So if you can’t forgive me I would feel uneasy.

    In this article, as a homework and letter of apology, I hope that you can forgive me. Dear teacher, give me a chance to correct my mistakes, okay? I swear I’ll never make same mistakes. Please believe me again! Yours Zeng Fei.

    Some people make it easy to forgive them, don’t they? I forgave him. By making it easy, I can miss that forgiveness is just as powerful whether is it so-called easy or hard. The guest posts in this series have tackled some deep wounds and shown the balm of forgiveness. For their words and the Lord’s forgiveness I am grateful. It’s been years since I taught Zeng Fei, I don’t know what became of him after he left my classroom. But I do know this, forgiveness changes people. How do I know this? I am one who is forgiven on the big, but equally important, the small.

    Where has a “small” act of forgiveness made a big difference in your life?

    Amy Young is an avid Denver Broncos fan and knows what it’s like to learn lessons of forgiveness on foreign soil. You can read more of her work at The Messy Middle and receive a 14 tips to live well in a messy world. She is the author of Looming Transitions and Love, Amy: An Accidental Memoir Told in Newsletters from China.

  • Forgiveness Fridays: Is it too late to forgive someone who has died?

    I feel like a guardian of treasure, with the privilege of sharing today’s contribution. It’s raw and moving, as you’ll see. Because of the sensitive nature of the topic, the author will remain anonymous. It’s a stark reminder, especially in the light of the London fire, that we only have today. Please, if you need to, forgive.

    A few days ago, my aunt – my mum’s twin – collapsed in the street and died. Apparently she was laughing one moment and dead the next. Her son tried desperately to revive her with CPR, but he and the medics couldn’t bring her back. My brother rang me with the awful news and I fell to my knees, floored with shock, literally. We both sobbed.

    I still can’t believe I’ll never see my aunt – who was only in her sixties – again. I still can’t accept it. Hard because even now I am incapable of thinking about and talking about her in the past tense — she is so in-tense. How can one say, “was”? That’s not her. I have so many memories of her laughing. She laughed at everything and we all laughed with her. So many memories…

    However there’s a cloud hanging over our grief, because my aunt died in the midst of a family feud and my mum hadn’t fully forgiven her. My aunt’s death is a salient message to all of us about the importance of forgiving our loved ones when they’re alive, because you never know when they’ll be gone.

    The feud started off as an argument and quickly turned toxic, embroiling the entire family. It became a fall-out where people took sides, which threatened to split our family up. Apparently, the argument was over a very small amount of money in my grandmother’s will. To this day I’m still not entirely sure of the facts. All I know is that in my opinion it appeared nonsensical. None of my cousins wanted to take sides – but we were quickly dragged into it by the three sisters. I tried to defuse the situation by mediation, but that didn’t work; chiefly because nobody would listen. It’s funny when people argue; ‘facts’ are quickly forgotten while ‘feelings’ are always remembered.

    So for the past few years my mother cut off her relationship with her sisters. To say the least, it was heart-breaking. It impacted the relationship with my aunts, cousins and my mum. I became angry at my elders for dragging us into it, as we didn’t want to get involved. It truly felt like a role reversal: we felt like the parents and they were the children.

    By Genco Gulan (Own work), Creative Commons

    Her twin wanted to make amends, but my mother wouldn’t forgive her. My mum kept bringing up past hurts; she’d unearth every slight and perceived act of betrayal in an effort to condone her stance of unforgiveness. What’s so galling is that before this they were so close. They were twins; confidants. They’d finish each other’s sentences, regale stories and laugh until they hurt with exertion.

    So how does a relationship between two people become so sour, so quickly? One of Satan’s favourite tools to cause discord in families is to embed the root of bitterness in us. It happens easily: one person does wrong to another without realising it and then the person who feels wronged holds a grudge. Pretty soon everyone is so busy being bitter towards each other that they forget to love each other.

    So for the last four years my mum hardly spoke to my aunt, even though they lived in the same town. I prayed for reconciliation in the family. I tried to reason with my mum; I even bought her a book called Forgiveness: God’s Master Key by Peter Horrobin, founder and international director of Ellel Ministries. But she was immovable. She refused to forgive fully and refused efforts by my aunt to reconcile. And now my aunt is dead.

    I’ve learned that if you don’t choose forgiveness, you choose bitterness. Bitterness from unforgiveness turns inwards and in my opinion can cause depression and other physical ailments. I’ve seen my own mother’s bitterness nearly kill her. I said to my mum, “The Bible says if we don’t forgive people, we get turned over to the torturers” – but she still didn’t listen. When I said, “Jesus says bless those who curse you”, she asked, “Why would I want to bless someone who curses me?” Good question. The reality is because of the fallen nature of our own hearts we want to get revenge on people who have hurt us; when we choose to be in revenge and be bitter, we’re actually locking ourselves into what we want the other person to feel. So we’re drinking the poison we want the other person to feel. Peter Horrobin describes this as a ‘Divine Law’ – what we want for other people comes back to us and is the judgement upon us.

    When my aunt died, my mum raced to the hospital, wailing in sorrow and grief at her sister’s bedside. She started to shake the lifeless body, begging her to “wake up”. Clearly, she truly cared for and loved her sister. There’s no doubt about that. But had she forgiven her when she was alive, she would have had wonderful memories up until her untimely death. There would be no regrets, no recriminations and no guilt.

    Forgiveness is the most powerful prayer on earth. It’s torture to have hateful thoughts toward another person rolling around inside your head. But it’s never too late to forgive. We can still forgive someone who has died knowing that God sees our hearts and knows our thoughts. It delights the Father’s heart when as His children, we let go of our desire to see the offender get punished for the wrong they did to us.

    I believe the lesson that needs to be learned from this is: keep short accounts and forgive right away so as to allow no room for regrets. Forgiveness is not a choice. It’s a command. In the Bible, we have no guarantee of tomorrow. To forgive the living or the dead, if we are waiting for the right time, then it is now. If we are waiting for the perfect day, it is today.

    Moreover, it is unhealthy to carry all that pain day after day, year after year, when we could have laid it to rest soon after we got hurt. Have you been offended? Then forgive immediately. Forgiveness is an act of grace and mercy. And God forgives us our sins as we forgive those who have sinned against us.

    Dear Lord, I thank You for the power of forgiveness, and I choose to forgive everyone who has hurt me. I lift up [name of the person you want to forgive]. Lord I’m sorry for keeping them in bondage. Help me set [name anyone who has offended you] free and release them to You [Romans 12:19]. I forgive them for [tell Him what you want to forgive them for]. Help me bless those who have hurt me [Romans 12:14]. Help me walk in righteousness, peace, and joy, demonstrating Your life here on earth. I choose to be kind and compassionate, forgiving others, just as You forgave me [Ephesians 4:32]. In Jesus’ name, Amen.