As you can see in these photos, Amy Young brings rays of sunshine where she goes – I love her smile and joie de vivre. I met her online and count her as a lovely friend who brings encouragement and fun. She and I share a love of NFL football, and she’s the kind of fan who makes you even like (or at least respect) her team with her gracious advocacy. I love her book Looming Transitions, which fills a deep need for those facing times of change. Join her in asking, where are you finding yourself?
Granted, the first leg of my trip back to China had experienced a three-hour delay and I thought I might miss my international plane. But the strong sensation I had as I sank into my seat couldn’t completely be attributed from the adrenaline pulsing through my veins after I’d run through the airport.
I was a hot mess internally. FOMO (Fear of missing out) while I was in China combined with knowing China was no longer my home left me with this clear thought: Metaphorically, I am always on a plane, by myself, stuck between worlds.
When I say it was a strong feeling, I mean, a huge bouncer in a bar could not have given me a stronger sucker punch.
I was almost two and a half years in my reentry. Will it ever end?!
One of my great joys was that most of my family got to visit me in China. My sister and nieces and I are in one of the old lanes of Beijing.
This is why I love Amy’s title Finding Myself in Britain so much. Isn’t the truth that we are all finding ourselves in our lives? In light of writing to you, I thought about my life now and wondered where am I finding myself right now?
I am finding myself in America.Even though I have been back for more than two-and-a-half years, this finding process is just that: a process. Parts I absolutely love! I am a huge Denver Broncos fan and the two other times they successfully won the Super Bowl I was in Thailand surrounded by people not from Denver and watching Thai fruit drink commercials. I have LOVED being among my orange people. Other parts of this finding are awkward. I’m navigating waters in my late 40s that others navigate in the 20s. I know how to be an adult in China, I’m learning in the US.
One of the mixed joys of the last two years, in the wake of my dad’s death, is that I have gotten to take each of his grandchildren, one by one, to a game and show them where Grandpa sat and introduce them to this piece of our family history. Chloe is wearing her mom’s shirt form childhood and I am wearing my shirt from when we went to the first superbowl 🙂Taken right before the Superbowl this year . . . with my orange people!
I’m finding myself in a job that doesn’t have a tidy title. I’ve always had jobs that came with a title: teacher, English teacher, University Teaching Program Director, Member Care Director. Even if someone didn’t really know what I did, the fact that it had a short, concise, understandable title sufficed. I currently work for an online community of Christian women who live and serve overseas. I love my job, but at least twice a month a friend sends me information about a job . . . since I don’t have one . . . that makes sense to others. So, I’m finding my identity in other areas than an easily understandable job.
I’m finding myself in the editing process. Over the last year I have worked with my amazing editor Deb as we got my book ready for publication. I had no idea that an editor could be an advocate and was scared of the process. Opening up what you have been working on for years and have someone else point out the flaws or the confusing parts? Risky! But Deb showed me that she got the vision of this book and that through editing and rewriting, it could be what it has become. The editing process helped me see the Holy Spirit as my life editor. If he can do in my life what Deb have done in my writing, I have hope for us all!
I’m finding myself in my book being published. The parallels with parenting abound, so I’m going to be careful and not start gushing. I’m at the stage where the book has been released into the world, so others can have their own opinions of it. Of course, I delight when someone contacts me and says how very helpful it has been, how it met them right where they had a great need, how very much they appreciate the time I took to write it. I have to find myself apart from my book. Because there are also those who have said, “Um why did you put THAT in there?” I am proud of my book, I am happy to share with you about the content and the process, but I am not my book.
I am finding myself in a complex relationship with the church. Because it is complex, it is too much to go into detail here. But I can say this much, it is disorienting to have a part of life that had been relatively easy and a good fit, feel like the wrong size shirt. I can’t tell what needs to change. Do I need to lose or gain weight? Does the size of the shirt need to change? I don’t know and I’m not particularly enjoying finding myself in this part of my life.
I’m also finding myself in… gardening. Finding myself in grief. Finding myself in driving. Finding myself in training my eye to look for beauty, and finding myself in the Church year. How about you? Where are you finding yourself these days? What parts are you enjoy? What parts are a bit uncomfortable?
Amy Young is an avid Denver Broncos fan and knows what it’s like to try and find yourself a friend to watch sports with you when you live abroad; so she took a picture for Amy BP when the Minnesota Vikings came to town. A sister’s gotta help a sister out! You can read more of her work at The Messy Middle and by signing up for her newsletter receive a free PDF chalk full of Tools for Navigating the Messy Middle of Life. She recently published Looming Transitions for those 4-6 months before a big transition to or from living abroad.
Jesus fulfills the prophecies of Isaiah. He came to bring mercy, not judgment. May we know his mercy this day, that we might receive the eternal life he speaks of.
I love this passage, filled with so many thought-provoking words of Jesus. So many songs have been inspired here – “We Want to See Jesus”; “Walk in the Light”; and the one about the kernel of wheat that Russ Taff sings that I can’t place just now! (Help me out if you can!) Thought for the day – become children of light…
All these people were still living by faith when they died. They did not receive the things promised; they only saw them and welcomed them from a distance, admitting that they were foreigners and strangers on earth. People who say such things show that they are looking for a country of their own. If they had been thinking of the country they had left, they would have had opportunity to return. Instead, they were longing for a better country—a heavenly one. Therefore God is not ashamed to be called their God, for he has prepared a city for them (Hebrews 11:13–16).
A couple of years ago, as we and our children were discussing the evening’s Bible story – Jesus with the woman at the well – we talked about nationalities, for Jesus as a Jewish man talking with a Samaritan woman would have broken social conventions. We discussed national allegiances, for our children have two: British and American. To which my son said that he felt more British than American – to my chagrin but not to my surprise.
The kids – and now I – have dual citizenship, but as Christians we all have dual or triple or more citizenship, with our most important passport aligning us to the heavenly country. We hold our earthly citizenship lightly, knowing that our lives here are an itty bitty dot compared with the length of eternity.
These verses from Hebrews underline how the ancients were living in view of heaven. The passage forms an interlude, when the writer pauses in his great list of the heroes who lived by faith to emphasize their eternal perspective. As with the psalm we read last week that spoke of being a foreigner and stranger, the heroes listed in Hebrews also knew that their heavenly passport was the important one.
Are we living in the light of eternity? One way I like to get heaven into my imagination, so to speak, is to chew over the last chapters of Revelation. The imagery soaks into my heart and mind, and for a few minutes at least the cares of this world lessen.
For reflection: “Aim at Heaven and you will get earth “thrown in”: aim at earth and you get neither” (CS Lewis, Mere Christianity).
From a 1684 Arabic manuscript of the Gospels, copied in Egypt by Ilyas Basim Khuri Bazzi Rahib (likely a Coptic monk). In the collection of The Walters Art Museum, Baltimore, Maryland. Creative Commons license.
Mary anoints Jesus with nard, pouring out her love to him in an act of devotion. Her profession of love met with persecution, however, as the religious leaders keep on with their campaign to eradicate Jesus and now Lazarus too.
Sixth century mosaic of the Raising of Lazarus, church of Sant’Apollinare Nuovo, Ravenna, Italy.
The amazing raising of Lazarus from the dead – the “dead man came out” – I love that. And yet it was another sign for the religious leaders to keep their plotting and planning, for they see their power slipping away. But Jesus exemplifies true power.
The Raising of Lazarus’ by Duccio di Buoninsegna, 1310–11
Jesus knew Lazarus was unwell and yet he stayed where he was until he had died. We know how the story turns out, but imagine Mary and Martha and their fear and confusion. As unmarried women, they would have suffered in many ways with their brother dying, not least the obvious of missing him.
Jesus disputes with the Pharisees. French School. In the Bowyer Bible in Bolton Museum, England. Print 3861. From “An Illustrated Commentary on the Gospel of Mark” by Phillip Medhurst.
Jesus speaks; Jesus heals; they pick up stones to kill him. We see the pattern again and again in John’s gospel – a sobering reminder of how Jesus is the fragrance of life to one and to another the stench of death.
I can relate on many levels to Claire Musters’ wonderful contribution to the “There’s No Place Like Home” series today – loo seats left up and mud on the floors for one! But more importantly the tension of being married to a pastor and how that can change your approach to home, such as wanting to be hospitable but also as introverts needing a place to feel safe and contained. I love her vulnerability, and trust you’ll be encouraged by what she shares.
Home.
For me, home was a regularly changing place during childhood. We moved every few years due to my dad’s job and it just became normal to up sticks and move towns and homes. Dad also loved a ‘do-er up-er’, and we joked that he would throw himself into transforming each home and, just as he finished it, it was time to put it on the market and move again.
Moving regularly opened us up to all sorts of opportunities. Dad’s job took us overseas and we too spent time living in Virginia. As an adult, I look back fondly on the memories I have of spending time living in and exploring a different country (and I loved reminiscing while reading Amy’s book!).
Even when my parents chose to stay put in one town once my sister and I started secondary school, we still had a second house move (and the inevitable DIY!). It was in that town that I met my now husband, at youth group. He followed me up to London when I went to university, and, after marrying at the end of my second year there, we set up home together.
With my husband, Steve.
Starting out together
I felt so proud hosting my first Christmas for my parents in our tiny little flat; even prouder when we moved into our first bought home together. I married another fantastic DIY-er, and we spend many a special moment painting and decorating that place together. I had a wonderful surprise one day when I awoke from a long, recovering sleep to discover he had already painted what would be my new home office!
I loved that ground-floor Wimbledon flat, so when my husband first felt the inkling of a call to move to Sutton to help start a new church I point blank refused, arguing with God that he couldn’t possibly ask me to do that. I had a million reasons why – and most of them surrounded our home and its location. As my husband at that time was a record producer, his hours were appalling. I’d built a nice supportive network around myself with a church and friends within walking distance. I didn’t want to leave that safety net.
But God taught me a lot in that time – about myself and about submitting to his leading. He was so gracious. I didn’t really like the look of the town we were to move to, but, when we started house hunting, we discovered a street that looked like it should be near the seaside; most of the houses were painted difficult colours and very cottagey in feel. I fell in love with our current house – and the move was on!
A long-term home
This has been the longest I’ve ever lived in the same place, and sometimes it scares me slightly that, now my husband is the pastor of our church, we could be here for a much longer time. I still get itchy feet now and then – although I do hate the disruption of moving.
We had bought a ‘do-er up-er’, and spent many happy months creating our perfect idyll. We have always loved hospitality, and were keen to see our newly acquired, more spacious home opened up and used for meals and church meetings.
If I’m honest, however, that dream has also had a cost – and I’m still learning a lot through that process even now, 15 years later.
I can remember when my husband had spent literally days laying a new wooden floor and varnishing it countless times. We then hosted Christmas and New Year for our families. Pre-children ourselves, I watched in horror as our nephew rode round and round on his new wooden bike and left dents all over the floor. And then one of our nieces weed all over the new rug we’d literally just put down before they arrived. I kept telling myself ‘these are only things, don’t be so selfish’, but all the while slightly heartbroken as our efforts to create a lovely home seemed to be unravelling. Of course, now we’ve had our own kids that does all seem rather naïve!
Loosening up
I remember, during the extended sickness I had throughout both my pregnancies, feeling frustrated and upset that I could no longer be the perfect hostess of the small group that met in our home. Opening the cupboard where the tea and coffee is kept was enough to send me rushing to the bathroom. But it actually made my friends more at home – they loved feeling like they could simply come in and help themselves and still do so today. Sometimes there is a part of me that fights that, but most of the time I love the fact they feel so free.
Once, someone spilled a drink on our wooden floor, and about three people immediately got up to run for kitchen towels and sponges. I laughed at them and made a comment, which I thought was tongue-in-cheek: ‘wow you must be scared of me!’. They admitted that, pre-kids, I had been kind of scary and they still had that automatic response when a spillage happened. That took me aback – but also made me more determined to lighten up further.
The log burner is the latest edition to our home – I love the homely feel it creates.
A place for many purposes
Since we became part of the small group who first started our current church, our house has hosted church meetings, small group meetings, prayer meetings, lunches etc. My husband also designed a soundproof log cabin at the bottom of our garden in the hopes that he could do more recording work at home. I think it was used for just one session – but it has hosted endless prayer meetings and worship team practises!
There are, of course, times when having our home open can be quite difficult. I remember when our daughter was a baby and she woke up with an exploding nappy during a prayer and worship meeting. I was a fraught first-time mum and just needed my husband’s help – but trying to get his attention discretely was a little difficult when he had his eyes shut and seemed deep in worshipful contemplation! And there were weeks when we simply wanted a night to ourselves, but the only opportunity for that fell on the same night that the worship team needed to come through to use the log cabin to practise. Okay, so they weren’t in our house, but they arrived, made drinks and were going to come back through it at some point to leave – that certainly makes you aware that you aren’t completely on your own on date night! 😉
To be honest, the hardest transition was when my husband became full-time lead pastor at our church. The church didn’t have a building at the time (we met in a school) so the church office had been located at our old pastor’s home. When he retired the office moved to our log cabin. To start with, we enjoyed a lovely rhythm: working from home in our own spaces (my office is upstairs in our house) and then breaking for lunch together – me chatting over any writing projects that I would value my husband’s input on and he sharing any church matters he’d appreciate the same from me.
Our log cabin at the bottom of the garden has been used for so many purposes.
That all changed when he took on another full-time member of staff. All of a sudden there was another person in our house regularly – there from first thing in the morning. While they are usually based in the log cabin, I now had two men traipsing mud in the house from the garden and leaving the toilet seat up (one of my pet hates!). I also began to miss our lunchtime catch ups…
I can get quite stressed about the mess our home gets in during the week with two working parents and two boisterous children in and out of it, so, I admit, I’ve found it hard to adjust to what has felt like an invasion at times, as people come in and out for meetings, or knock on the door for a chat with their pastor (but it is me who has to answer the door because I’m in earshot of the door bell). When I’m in the middle of a piece of writing those sorts of distractions are incredibly difficult to deal with, as I need quiet to write. I know that I’ve been less than gracious quite often and God, and my husband, have been good at pointing that out to me!
I still fight with the tension of wanting our home to be open to people, and wanting to shut the world away and create a safe space. As my children are pastor’s kids I’m now, more than ever, aware of wanting to protect them. I think that they have the privilege of having their eyes opened to all sorts of situations that perhaps they wouldn’t otherwise – but I am also fully aware that their daddy is often on 24-hour call. Don’t get me wrong: he is around a whole lot more than he would have been if he’d stayed in the music business. He is able to see them when they come home from school (while the church office is still based at home – he’s currently meeting with a builder at our wonderful new building to discuss the final phase of building work: the new church office 🙂 ). He is usually also there at mealtimes and bedtimes – all things I am hugely grateful for.
I love my own little seat of peace, which my husband put together beautifully. I get to sit and overlook the garden while I spend time with God after the kids have gone to school.
Home as a safe haven
I have had quite a bit of ill health, and some time in hospital, since the start of 2016. I have needed space and time to recover, and God has had me on a huge learning curve about slowing down and not needing to ‘do’ all the time. We have been massively blessed by our church family, who have provided so many meals, had our kids to play so I could sleep etc. But there have been times when I have just simply wanted to slob about in my PJs but not felt comfortable doing so when I know the church office, and therefore our home, is in use.
After a mis-communication this week, I got showered and dressed feeling particularly grumpy. I had asked my husband to relocate his meeting down to our church hall as I felt really unwell and didn’t want to have to get dressed. He had done the school run and, when I got up, I looked out of the window to see our car – and thought I heard voices. ‘Man, he’s decided it’s simplest just to meet here’ was what I said to myself with annoyance.
I went downstairs, got some breakfast and put on some trashy TV – I simply wanted to chill out. But I was completely on edge – I knew at some point they would come down to make drinks and use the bathroom and I didn’t want to be judged for being curled up watching such rubbish. So I ate quickly, turned the TV off and dragged myself upstairs to work. When my husband eventually appeared later I broached the subject of why he’d chosen to stay at our home – only to be told they’d been down at the church building and had only just arrived back! I did feel a little foolish – but it also illustrated to me how on edge I can still be at home.
Yes there is a tension between wanting my home just for my family and choosing to open it up so it can be a blessing to others. Sometimes it’s great fun to have lots of different people in and out of our home – it gives us such pleasure as we know that that is partly why God gave it to us – at other times it feels like a sacrifice. And, being honest, it is a bit of both – but I wouldn’t have it any other way.
Claire Musters is a freelance writer and editor, mum to two gorgeous children, pastor’s wife, worship leader and school governor. Claire’s desire is to help others draw closer to God through her writing, which focuses on discipleship, leadership, marriage, parenting, worship, issues facing women today etc. Her books include David: A man after God’s own heart, Taking your Spiritual Pulse, CWR’s Insight Guide: Managing Conflict and BRF Foundations21 study guides on Prayer and Jesus. She also writes a regular column for Christian Today as well as Bible study notes for BRF and CWR. Claire is currently standing in as editor for Families First magazine as well as co-writing the next CWR Insight Guide: Self-acceptance and working on her own book Taking off the mask. To find out more about her, please visit www.clairemusters.com and @CMusters on Twitter.
As you can see in these photos, Amy Young brings rays of sunshine where she goes – I love her smile and joie de vivre. I met her online and count her as a lovely friend who brings encouragement and fun. She and I share a love of NFL football, and she’s the kind of fan who makes you even like (or at least respect) her team with her gracious advocacy. I love her book Looming Transitions, which fills a deep need for those facing times of change. Join her in asking, where are you finding yourself?
I’m finding myself in the editing process. Over the last year I have worked with my amazing editor Deb as we got my book ready for publication. I had no idea that an editor could be an advocate and was scared of the process. Opening up what you have been working on for years and have someone else point out the flaws or the confusing parts? Risky! But Deb showed me that she got the vision of this book and that through editing and rewriting, it could be what it has become. The editing process helped me see the Holy Spirit as my life editor. If he can do in my life what Deb have done in my writing, I have hope for us all!
Amy Young is an avid Denver Broncos fan and knows what it’s like to try and find yourself a friend to watch sports with you when you live abroad; so she took a picture for Amy BP when the Minnesota Vikings came to town. A sister’s gotta help a sister out! You can read more of her work at The Messy Middle and by signing up for her newsletter receive a free PDF chalk full of Tools for Navigating the Messy Middle of Life. She recently published Looming Transitions for those 4-6 months before a big transition to or from living abroad.
