Friendship Fridays: Friends while in roles by David Faulkner

16 Jun 2023

What about friendships when you or the other person has a role, such as a church minister? Dave Faulkner explores this dynamic:

I moved into my first manse as a single minister, accompanied by second-hand furniture gifted by friends and a puppy from my parents.

On the first Sunday night, the doorbell rang, and there stood the local United Reformed Church minister who came to welcome me into the town. She brought two gifts. The first was a spray of flowers. (She didn’t know about my hay fever.) The second was of immeasurable value.

“Like you,” she said, “I’m single. I know how important it is to have friends and support. Would you like to join one of the home groups in my church?”

What an act of generosity – to trust another minister she didn’t yet know. (I promised her I would not comment on any issues in her church that came up in the group.)

Thirty years later, I am still friends with several members of that group. They have been among the closest friends I have ever had. Like family at times.

Some congregations are under the delusions that ministers don’t need friends. Of course we have to be careful about choosing who we get close to in our churches, and we cannot disclose confidences, but we still need friends. We too are human. “It is not good for the man to be alone” applies to us, too (see Gen. 2:18).

In subsequent appointments I’ve been glad to find other supportive groups and networks. Often they’ve been gatherings of other ministers, usually from outside my denomination. One group met monthly for fellowship. Another went on day retreats together. One local vicar became my prayer partner and his curate our next-door neighbour.

For a few years, I had no close friends in the area. It was a desert. Yes, my devotional life nourished my friendship with God. But God made us to have both friendship with him and – as a child once put it – “friends with skin on.”

After all, isn’t that what Jesus offered in the Incarnation?

Points to ponder: if you’re ordained, do you have these relationships or are you looking for them? If you’re a church member, do you care about your church leaders enough to check they are supported?